


Terrible Things

by handwrittenjas



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Cancer, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Luke is Daniel's Dad, M/M, Mikey is Papa, No Smut, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-29
Updated: 2016-02-29
Packaged: 2018-05-24 00:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6134812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handwrittenjas/pseuds/handwrittenjas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been ten years since Luke was left as a single father and his fifteen year old son has no idea why he doesn't remember his other dad. Luke raised the younger boy alone, shielding him from love and telling him never to get attached, but Daniel can't help but feel curious and as hard as it is for both of them, Luke knows it's time to tell his son about the only man who ever broke his heart.</p>
<p>(or the one where Michael passed away ten years ago and Luke still doesn't talk about it)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Terrible Things

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first long, one-part story so hopefully it doesn't flop. It was inspired by the amazing (!!) Mayday Parade song 'Terrible Things' however I've changed a lot of the plot to make everything fit together - I'm aware that mayday parade are a flawless band and I love them lots so apologies if this is trash and ruins the song for you! This took me an entire summer to write/edit so I hope you enjoy :)

Luke’s friends always found it strange that he never talked to his son about his former boyfriend. Michael was the only person he had ever properly fallen in love with - and they eventually adopted a son - but whenever the topic of their relationship came up in conversation, it didn’t seem like the right time to tell their full story.

He knew he was going to have to explain things more clearly sooner or later. Luke’s son Daniel was fifteen now, and the only thing he knew about his family was that his grandmother used to be close to his _other_ father. Luke never liked talking about their relationship, but according to many other family members and friends the two were a perfect match.

Daniel couldn’t help but feel curious. He knew it upset his Dad to talk about their past but although he rarely asked, it was obvious how many questions he had about his family.

“Dad?” Daniel called from the living room on a freezing winter day. His hands shook both with the cold and nervousness and his mind was reeling, not knowing whether or not this was a good time to talk about it. “I have a question,” he said, his voice quivering.

Standing in the kitchen, Luke wondered what the question would be. _Why have I never had a mum? Why don’t I have another dad? Why can’t we have photos of Michael in the house any more?_ The way Daniel’s voice cracked gave away that he was scared to ask the question, so Luke mentally prepared himself to face whatever question was thrown at him.

Luke carried two mugs of tea into the living room - both filled with far too much sugar to be healthy - and slowly eased onto the couch next to Daniel, who watched him with wide eyes. Daniel’s fringe was dark and fell over his eyes, a constant reminder to Luke of the late, great Michael Clifford. Although they weren’t related by blood, it was impossible to ignore the way that Daniel’s dark brown fringe dropped over his green eyes and thick-rimmed glasses (which seemed too large for his head) just as Michael’s hair used to do, and the dimples which seemed to pop out of his cheeks when he smiled resembled Luke’s, as did the way that his hair would turn into a curly mop on top of Daniel’s head if he let it get wet.

“I-I really like someone, and I don’t know what to do.” He spoke shyly, glancing up at his Dad from under his hair.

Luke couldn’t help but look surprised; he’d never once heard Daniel talk about having a crush or caring about relationships at all. He pushed the shock and slight confusion asked, urging Daniel to continue. “Oh! Well, what about them do you like?”

“She’s amazing and I just,” Daniel sighed, not knowing what to say. “I want to ask her out, but she would probably laugh in my face, and I’m terrified that she’s going to hate me. I think I’m in love with her.” He stared down at his hands which were resting in his lap.

Luke scratched at the back of his neck, unsure of what to say. He knew this was always going to happen eventually, but whether or not Daniel was ready to hear about his papa was questionable. Luke was aware that he needed to explain why he was so against his son falling in love so quickly and at such a young age, but he was terrified that telling the story of what happened between he and Michael would finally make everything sink in and make it all real.

“I’m going to tell you a story that I think you’re finally old enough to hear,” Luke said nervously, watching his son with solemn eyes. He hesitated, giving in and deciding to get things over with. Daniel can handle this, he’s fifteen. “It’s about your papa.”

Hearing this, Daniel sat up and almost knocked the drinks off the table, his foot lying too close to the table than it should have been. He was never allowed to hear about his father; even after being bullied relentlessly for not having a mum or having two dads before the accident or only having one parent, Dad never dared explain why Daniel was different from other kids.

“You have to promise me that you won’t make the same mistakes as me, okay?” Luke lowered his eyes to meet those of the younger boy, whose eyes shone with excitement and slight fear.

“I can’t promise you something that I don’t know yet,” Daniel spoke with confidence, eager to hear the tale he’d been waiting over 10 years to hear. All Daniel knew was that his papa passed away when he was only five years old, and nobody took the time to tell him what happened. Papa had died, and that was the end of it.

Luke sighed and stared at the opposite wall of the living room. The picture frames that hung upon every wall were filled with images of Daniel and his friends, his grandparents, and the occasional photo of Luke and Daniel together. Unlike Michael, Luke hated having his picture taken and put where everyone could see, even if it meant missing out on Christmas cards and photo albums. He looked back towards Daniel and closed his eyes, letting the memories flood into his mind.

“It all started when I moved to Sydney with Grandma. I was fourteen.”

*

_Luke sat perched on a tall leather stool in a small coffee shop, not bothering to talk to anyone. Being the new kid in town was never fun and he decided to save the long introductions and awkward first impressions for school where he couldn’t avoid meeting other people and was ready to make friends._

_“I’m fourteen,” he muttered to himself. His mother was the one who forced him into going outside to explore, though he ended up sat alone in the building closest to his new home anyway. “I should be watching TV or playing video games, not sitting by myself in a stupid coffee shop.”_

_The room was nearly empty. Two baristas gossiped behind the counter, an old man sat a few seats away from Luke, and there was a number of adults scattered about the shop, typing at keyboards or sipping at their drinks with pretentious smirks on their faces. The young boy couldn’t help but wish it was Monday so he could begin school and talk to people his own age._

_The bell above the door rang loudly as someone entered, no one glancing up to see the new customer. The stranger bought a drink and sat alone on the other side of the room, not talking to anyone as he sat and began to read a peculiar book. Luke glanced over at the sound of him sneezing and couldn’t help but stare at the boy._

_He was a teenager - probably around Luke’s age - with a long, blonde fringe and light green eyes. His hair was similar to Luke’s but parted to the other side of his head, and though his eyes didn’t have that same spark as they would in a movie, they still glowed brilliant and beautiful._

_Luke had never had a crush before - and he knew it was stupid to say he liked a boy who he had never even said two words to - but something about the stranger drew him in. He walked into the shop with so much confidence but still seemed to huddle into the corner by himself as if he was scared that something would happen to him._

_After ten minutes of daydreaming and letting his drink get cold, Luke was finally ready to leave the café, but the strange boy was immersed in his book. Luke was far too awkward to disturb him. There was no way of knowing if he was a nice boy or not, and Luke had even less of a clue on whether or not he was even somewhat into guys as well. Luke was in no position to ask him what his sexual preference was, so he walked back outside into the cold September air and prayed that he would see the boy someplace soon._

*

Luke was interrupted by Daniel, hearing the boy snigger in amusement. He didn’t remember saying anything funny but the smirk upon Daniel’s face was obvious. “Problem?” Luke commented.

Daniel shook his head, still smirking. “It’s nothing,” he giggled. “This sounds like a bad sitcom, that’s all. I mean, meeting in a coffee shop? So cliché.”

Luke simply chuckled and tried to immerse himself in the story again. Watching him pause to remember where he was at, Daniel waited and listened intently, eager to hear what happened next in the tale he had waited his entire life to hear.

*

_Climbing out of his mum’s old car on a hot Monday morning, Luke couldn’t help but feel nervous about starting school again. In all of the movies and TV shows he had binge-watched over the past week (because he needed to pass some time and try to distract himself from that boy with the dark hair and blue eyes) the new kid was always pushed around, bullied and tormented until he either fought back or transferred somewhere else. His uniform clung to his body uncomfortably as Luke made his way into the school office which was luckily placed right near the entrance, not giving him a chance to get lost yet._

_“Mr Hemmings?” A low voice asked when he entered the small room and Luke looked over to see a tall, middle-aged man with dark hair making his way towards him. “I’m Mr Thomas, the head teacher here. It’s a pleasure having you in our school.”_

_Luke smiled at the older man and shook his hand. His suit was dark and the blazer was similar to the one that the students wore, but didn’t have the school logo embroidered in. The two spoke for a few minutes about Luke’s timetable and how his lessons here wouldn’t be too different than they were in his old school until a boy rushed into the office panting, gripping onto his bag as if he was scared someone would take it away._

_“Sorry I’m late, I got distracted in form!” The boy stuttered, jogging to where Luke had been conversing with the head teacher._

_Luke immediately recognised it to be the boy from the café, and silently prayed that he would be his tour guide, classmate or new best friend. He knew it was wrong to want to know someone purely based on their looks, but it wasn’t just that he found the stranger attractive (although he was one of the nicest things Luke had ever laid eyes on), there was a whole aura around him which seemed so… inviting._

_“Not to worry, Michael.” Mr Thomas laughed and unfolded his arms, turning to address both of the boys at once. “Daniel, you probably don’t want to spend your first half hour here sat in assembly so Michael is going to show you around, give you the general direction of your lessons, give you some tips for Year 10, that kind of thing.”_

_As they walked along the empty corridors, Luke felt himself becoming distracted and watched his new tour guide from the corner of his eye. Michael’s hair was long and blonde and fell slightly over his eyes, the traces of a lighter colour in patches was proof that there could be remains of hair dye left from another colour. He continued to stare at Michael, noticing how his green eyes stood out against his ghostly pale skin, which surprisingly didn’t make him look sick or dead like it did to most people._

_“Down there is the maths rooms, but I’m sure you won’t want to look at them any longer than you have to,” Michael laughed, and Luke nodded in agreement. Though his mum was a maths teacher and it was one of his best subjects, Luke’s vicious hatred of maths and numbers remained stronger than anything._

_“They’ll probably put you in Geography with Mrs Kelly,” Michael stated when they wandered past the Geography rooms and Luke made a mental note of the teachers name so he didn’t forget. “She’s kind of boring. but if you look past the bad outfits and weird hair, you might actually like her.”_

_Both of the boys laughed, and Luke wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate to thank Michael for literally saving his life. He wasn’t just grateful for the tour (he’d spent most of it staring at Michael anyway), but Luke already felt more comfortable in the school and less of a loner. He knew that they weren’t really friends yet, but if Luke was sat by himself or got lost, Michael had made it clear that he didn’t mind hanging out again._

_The bell rang for first period, so before the masses of students could file out of assembly and scatter around the halls of the school, Michael led Luke to his next lesson, English. With a quick “good luck!” and a wave, Michael became lost in the countless students who were now swarming the corridor, most of them not giving Luke a second glance as he reluctantly entered his first lesson of the day._

_Most of Luke’s lessons followed the same boring process - introduce himself to the class, sit next to a random kid who made no effort to be friendly and attempt to understand what the teacher was going on about - but to say lunchtime was eventful would be an understatement. Throughout the hour Luke heard stories about secret affairs between the staff, psycho French teachers and pupils who literally went crazy in school, but which ones were real and which ones were made of fiction, he couldn’t know for certain. A rather outgoing boy called Ashton had told him in detail exactly how badly his brother messed up his work experience, but after hearing that he ‘rammed his body into the door and smashed every plate they had in the kitchen’ Luke figured it was all exaggerated because no human being could be that unlucky._

_Luke had always hated math, so walking into his final lesson of the day and seeing 'Quadratic Equations’ scribbled across the whiteboard made him internally groan - he knew that actually making the noise would attract unwanted negative attention and make people think he was weird, so Luke opted to keep his annoyance on the inside. Of course, when he spotted a particular blonde-haired boy sat at the back of the classroom waving frantically at Luke, he could tell that the lesson might not be so bad after all._

_Sitting down next to Michael, Luke pulled his books from his bag before shoving the backpack under the desk. The two boys grinned at each other as the teacher began talking but much to Luke’s dismay, Michael never bothered to talk over him or try to start a conversation; instead, he allowed them to slip into a slightly uncomfortable silence before they were given a page number and set an exercise to do for the rest of the class._

_“Hey,” Michael whispered in his ear, keeping his voice low to avoid being told off. Luke was startled and probably looked like a deer caught in the headlights when his head whipped round to face Michael, but he was glad they were talking again and he hadn’t yet ruined their possible friendship. No offence to Mr Franta, but he was the most undeniably plain and boring teacher Luke had ever had the displeasure in meeting._

_The pair continued chatting for the next half hour, occasionally getting dirty looks from their peers after laughing too loud at a strange animal fact Michael had memorised or an inappropriate joke Luke remembered from an old American sitcom he’d seen on TV. The strange thing was that for once in his life, Luke didn’t care about the stares or rude comments or sneaky looks coming from around him. Instead of being wrapped up by his fears and suffocated by thoughts such as 'oh god, they’re all waiting for you to fail’ or 'everyone is laughing at you, not with you’, Luke was enjoying himself and cared more about laughing and having fun with Michael than he cared about doing his work or impressing everyone else._

_“Michael, what have I told you about talking in my classroom?” A loud voice disrupted their giggling session, and all eyes turned to the back of the room where the teenagers were struggling to hold in their laughter. “Front row, now.” Mr Franta called out and reluctantly, Michael grabbed his things and rose from his chair. With a quick wink in Luke’s direction, the older boy walked to the front row of the classroom and took a seat, finally beginning to do some work._

_Other kids didn’t try to hide their glances to see what the new kid was like, not aware of the fact that it would make most people feel uncomfortable under their gazes. The lesson continued in silence and although he sat by himself, Luke finally didn’t feel alone because he knew that when the bell rang and school was over, he had one friend called Michael and that was better than anything he could have hoped for._

*

“Sounds as if you really liked him,” Daniel smiled faintly. He could tell by the way his dad’s eyes seemed a tad lighter and how his smile finally seemed real that he was sharing the best years of his life. Daniel couldn’t help but feel envious of his dad and how content he seemed with his life at that point.

At fifteen, Daniel only had a few friends and knew nothing about love, but his father had already come to terms with his sexuality and let himself fall for a complete stranger. Not wanting to get distracted by his jealousy, Daniel listened to the story practically on the edge of his seat and tried to picture exactly what his papa was like and whether they had any big similarities other than their shining green eyes. Daniel knew he was adopted due to the obvious fact that it wasn’t biologically possible for two men to have a child, but Luke had mentioned countless times that the younger boy was “almost a clone of his dad.”

“So I know you had this mega crush on him, but how did you find out that Papa liked you back?” Daniel questioned, begging to hear the rest of the story. He still didn’t understand why their relationship was so bad, and he was confused as to why his dad told him to never fall in love when his old relationship sounded cuter than anything he could imagine.

“I’m getting to that part,” Luke answered, becoming slightly irritated with his son. Daniel couldn’t help his interest though, so he let it pass. “As I was saying…”

*

_For most people, getting ready for a first date is exciting and wonderful and something they’ve waited for since they were five years old and first learned what a relationship was. For Luke, getting ready for his first date involved nothing but tears, mismatched outfits strewn across his room that just weren’t good enough for Michael and numerous bottles of hair product being tossed around the bathroom, trying to make his hair look a little less like he had been dragged through a hedge by his feet._

_After deciding on an outfit that wasn’t too casual but also not too formal (aka, skinny jeans with his favourite black eclipse shirt) he jogged down the stairs as quietly as possible, praying that his mum didn’t hear him leaving the house. Luke wasn’t ashamed of his sexuality and was even less ashamed of going on a date with Michael - his mum had met Michael briefly before, and they got on just fine - but being nagged about where he was going when he needed to leave for his date didn’t sound appealing._

_The two had agreed to meet at the small opening in a forest which was only a 10 minute walk from Luke’s house. He wasn’t quite sure what Michael planned on doing there, but decided not to overthink it because in the movies this was usually the part when the victim is murdered and buried beneath a tree and the last thing Luke wanted to be thinking about was Michael’s possible secret murder plan._

_They made idle small talk on the way, mainly about music and the two-sided maths worksheet they’d been given to complete over the weekend. Though it wasn’t a very fun topic, both of the boys equally hated the subject so they had fun talking about how much easier life would be if maths didn’t exist. Luke noticed Michael gripping the end of the sleeves of his red jacket (also giving himself sweater paws, which Luke found adorable) but chose not to say anything, because Michael was obviously nervous and he knew pointing that out would make him feel worse._

_When they arrived at a small treehouse, Luke didn’t think much of it. It seemed cramped and plain from the outside, but Michael’s eyes gave away a glint of excitement and Luke couldn’t help but wonder what could be inside. The pair climbed up the small rope ladder and when Michael opened the hatch and pulled Luke up so he was standing inside the single room (which was much bigger than expected), Luke couldn’t help but gasp._

_Fairy lights hung from the walls in waves of silver and gold, flickering in rhythm to illuminate the room with help from the lantern that was placed on a small wooden box, next to a small speaker. The decorations were simple but elegant and Luke could to help but laugh when he saw the 'romantic dinner’ Michael had planned; a small picnic blanket was lay on the wooden floors, accompanied by a picnic basket which was open to display various bags of crisps and sandwiches that Michael had thrown together that morning, along with a batch of small cakes he had prepared. It was cheesy but adorable, Luke couldn’t help but break out into a huge grin._

_Straight away Michael dragged Luke towards the blanket, sitting down and starting to pull out food from the basket. Luke sat down next to him and took his crisps with a chuckle, opening them to begin eating. He sat and watched as Michael plugged his phone into the small speakers on the desk and chose the playlist he created for their date, waiting for a good song to play._

_Both of them smiled as A Daydream Away by All Time Low started to play and Michael grabbed Luke’s hands, attempting to pull him onto his feet. Luke remained cross legged on the floor, adamant that he couldn’t dance, muttering things like “I’ll break both of our necks,” and “the treehouse will fall down,” for good measure._

_Michael let go of his hands and jogged over to their speakers, turning up the volume slightly before gently twirling back towards their picnic blanket. His dance moves weren’t impressive or special, they were in fact rather dorky and awkward, but the grin on Michael’s face while he spun around and pretended to waltz with someone never left._

_Rolling his eyes, Luke uncrossed his legs and dragged his body from the floor. He literally tumbled into Michael and both of them let out a slight giggle before Michael took his hands again and spun him around. Their movements were uncoordinated, neither of them being very good dancers, but it was obvious that both of the boys were too caught up in each other to care._

_The song came to an end but even in the seconds of silence while Michael’s iPod shuffled to a new song on whatever Spotify playlist he made, their dancing never stopped. The familiar intro of House of Gold began to play and Michael recognised it immediately. Everyone knew that Twenty One Pilots were one of his favourite bands (he loved their happy songs, at least) and he thought it was a given that Luke would love them as much as he did._

_“C'mon, you can’t listen to this without jamming out.” He laughed, already starting to jump around and giggle to himself. Anyone watching from outside would probably be filled with confusion, wondering how the boy had gone from slow dancing to practically raving in a matter of seconds._

_Laughing, Luke joined in and prayed that Michael couldn’t see through the smile on his face that was no longer as real than it was before. He couldn’t help but feel left out that he didn’t know the song, especially since Michael seemed to love it so much. Why doesn’t he recognise these chords? Why don’t the lyrics scream out to him as if it was an old song that he’d just remembered?_

_Either way, the pair managed to get through the song and Michael eventually fell back onto the ground, heaving for breath. He hadn’t danced that much since he was young and careless, so it felt nice to have finally found someone who made him forget the rest of the world. Their date was simple but he loved it, because that’s how life should be; simple, easy, free of any worries or fears._

_Luke chuckled at his friend lay on the floor, and he wasn’t sure whether it was all of the crisps he’d eaten or the energy drinks he’d been drinking all day but something made him want to stay up and dance for the rest of the night. He stumbled towards Michael to pull him back onto his feet, but somewhere between the phone speakers and where Michael was lay on the floor, Luke managed to lose his footing and trip over his own two feet._

_When he felt himself falling, Luke didn’t think twice before grabbing the nearest thing to stop himself. Of course, his luck was never the best and the things nearest to him were the fairy lights which were only hung around the room by the clear tape which Michael had found in his kitchen drawer. As if they were never stuck up, the lights fell to the ground along with Luke’s body, landing with a thud on top of the picnic basket._

_At first, Michael couldn’t help but laugh. He knew that Luke wasn’t hurt and it was pretty hilarious how clumsy he was, even if he did end up crushing the cakes that Michael made especially for their date. The cakes were burned on the bottom and the icing tasted far too sweet, so Michael was relieved they had an excuse not to eat them now. However, when he saw the look of fear and horror on Luke’s face, Michael’s laughing stopped and he watched with a look of confusion as the other boy rose to his feet and took a few steps back towards the door._

_“Luke, what’s up? You didn’t hurt yourself did you?” Michael started to feel bad for laughing. How was he to know that Luke wasn’t just hiding his pain until he could be alone? Luke wasn’t hurt though, not physically. Rather, it was his brain causing him the incredible pain which shot through his body like a bullet._

_Yet again, Luke was having a good time and he ruined it. His clumsiness always got in the way, and Luke knew that Michael was secretly mocking him for messing up their date so much. Luke mentally scolded himself for being so stupid, it was obvious that some cheap Christtmas lights couldn’t hold his weight up. Even worse, Michael probably spent hours making the perfect cakes and now the icing was smudged across the back of Luke’s black skinny jeans._

_“Luke?” Michael repeated, voice quivering slightly. It was too late though, and as if on instinct, Luke’s feet carried him down the ladder and out of the treehouse as fast as they could. Michael leapt to his feet after him, but by the time he had grabbed his bag (just in case he lost Luke and needed to find his phone and call for help) and reached the door, Luke had both feet on the ground and was sprinting towards a random passage in the woods. Michael knew he was the faster of the two boys and took off in the same direction until he saw Luke fall to the ground in tears._

_“I’m so sorry,” Luke cried from the floor, arms wrapped around his legs tightly. His head was buried in his knees and at a closer proximity Michael could hear the boy sniffling and trying his best to contain the sobs which were undoubtedly rising in his throat._

_“Luke, really it’s okay. I get that it was-” Michael tried to reassure the boy that he didn’t mind, it wasn’t a problem if he was embarrassed of falling because it was an accident and these things happen._

_“Damn it, it’s not okay! Shit - you made so much effort and I fucked it up.” Luke cursed into his legs, small coughs making their way out of his mouth. He hated this. He hated that whenever good things happened, something bad always got in the way and made him cry or run away. “I fuck everything up.”_

_Michael barely caught the last sentence, but immediately he dropped onto his knees and flung his long arms around the shaking boy. He made a mental note of how much he swore when he was upset compared to usually, knowing that could be a way of deciphering Luke’s emotions in the future - if they had a future together, that is._

_“Luke, you haven’t fucked anything up. Even if you did, I wouldn’t care because this isn’t about the fancy lights or the food or the treehouse. I didn’t ask you out so we could go on perfect dates and be the perfect couple and make everything about us perfect. I asked you out because you’re Luke and you’re funny and sarcastic and yes, you’re a little clumsy but I love that. I love that you didn’t tell me you hated the cakes and I love that you pretended you could dance and I love that you tried to act like you knew the songs that you’d obviously never heard of because you did it for me and you couldn’t help but want things to be amazing and you’re just… Luke. I’m not going to start proclaiming my love to you because this is our first date and we’re fourteen and that would be weird but you’re Luke and I’m Michael and I like you a lot.”_

_Luke’s whimpers had subsided by now and were replaced with a look of awe upon the boys face mixed with astonishment. He knew that Michael wasn’t the best with words - heck, everyone knew that - but the way he spoke with such certainty and confidence made Luke’s heart drop in the best way imaginable. He couldn’t quite grasp how he found someone this amazing, and while he wrapped the darker haired boy in an embrace he prayed that Michael was telling the truth and this wouldn’t be their last date._

_They barely spoke a word after that, but there was a sort of mutual agreement that neither of them wanted to go home yet so they remained on the ground, lay side by side, taking in their surroundings. It would have been ideal for the sky to be clear that night, but Australia’s weather was unreliable and what could have been a beautiful night under the stars turned into the teenagers resting on the grass and pointing out shapes in the clouds until they became tired and their soft laughter faded away._

_“It’s 11pm,” Luke frowned as his phone illuminated his face, showing him how late they stayed out. “I should probably go home.”_

_“Me too.” Michael whispered, secretly not wanting to leave._

_The two boys lay side by side, neither one making a move to get up or leave. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable as both of them feared; it was a welcoming silence, full of emotion and peace and pure content. It was like they didn’t need words to communicate, the cards were all on the table and for the first time in forever, Luke wasn’t worrying about getting grass in his hair or creasing his clothes and Michael wasn’t stressing about starting a conversation or fumbling with his sentences. It was just Luke, Michael and the clouds._

_The silence was only broken for a few seconds by Michael, who muttered a quiet “Luke,” when he was unsure whether the other boy was still awake._

_Luke mumbled slightly in reply, not trusting his words and not wishing to ruin the atmosphere they were in. Without the slight sounds of leaves crunching in the wind and insects jumping through the grass, it would have been impossible to know the field was inhabited by anything._

_“Thank you for being my best friend.”_

**[[x](http://twentyoneplants.tumblr.com/post/130271523937/art-for-lost-in-realitiess-amazing-fic-betad-by)]**

*

“You know, that’s possibly the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard,” Daniel smirked at his dad. “But it’s also adorable. It sounds like Mikey was amazing.”

Luke smiled attire young boy, glad that he was finally getting to know more about the man that he hadn’t seen in a little over ten years. Daniel would never fully understand who Michael was or how much of an impact he had on everyone around him, but Luke was happy that his son was genuinely interested in hearing more. It took a lot for him to tell their story again, but Luke knew he wouldn’t regret it.

“When did you know you loved him?” Daniel pondered and leaned in closer, ready to hear more.

Luke replied with a chuckle. “Would it be weird if I told you it was when I was crying in Luna Park?”

“Definitely.

*

_"The view from Spider Spinball is crazy, you have no idea.”_

_Three months ago, if you had told Luke he would be stepping off a coach and walking through the gates of Luna Park, he would have laughed and called you crazy. Even with his best friends by his side talking about how great all of the rides were, he couldn’t help but feel terrified of all the complications and worst case scenarios that could come true._

_Luke never wanted to join his class on the trip, but it was their treat for the end of Year 10 and their last chance to relax before exams started, and their priorities were nothing but revision, resits and results. His mum knew about his fear but didn’t accept any of his excuses, wanting her son to get over the initial fright and actually leave the house to have fun._

_Of course, with the anxiety shooting through his veins Luke had no idea how any of this could be enjoyable._

_Just like the boys had been expecting on the coach, when the teachers gave each student their entry passes, everyone headed towards the main section of the park. Since most of the big rides were already gathering queues, Luke and Michael linked hands and joined Calum and Ashton while they made their way to the smaller attractions near the back of the venue. All of the rollercoasters were frightening to Luke, but they figured it would be best to tackle the tracks which didn’t have loops or drops instead of heading straight towards Wild Mouse or Hair Raiser._

_Fortunately there were only a few people who were already at the park and the lines weren’t too long, so after only 10 minutes of wandering around and building up their excitement, the four boys were seated and ready to board the Moon Ranger. Luke’s palms were sweaty and his throat was already dry, but a comforting smile from Michael seated to his left was enough to slightly calm his nerves. Children were running onto the ride and some were even riding without a parent which made Luke feel a lot safer. If a 10 year old boy can sit alone and enjoy himself, he can handle one turn around the track with his friends._

_Since he had never been to Luna Park before, Luke had no idea what the Moon Ranger was like but from the first turn it took away from the entrance and into the trees, Luke knew his fears didn’t apply to this ride as much as they were bound to with others. The tracks were old, wooden and probably not the safest in the world, but the minuscule dips and turns in the track never stopped Luke from admiring the scenery. They rode through all sorts of trees and got a full view of their surroundings, and when he found out that the cart went around the track twice for every ride Luke cheered louder than expected. Michael admired his boyfriend from the corner of his eye, knowing that the day might not be as bad as he feared._

_After twenty minutes and another turn on the ride, the boys decided it was time to move on and they headed towards Space Shuttle, not feeling that Luke was ready yet for something like The Big Dipper or Devil’s Drop. They had already decided that the water rides should come last so they can change into fresh, comfy clothes before getting back onto the coach and their plan was to go on Joy Wheel followed by Wild Mouse just before lunch because the spinning followed by a huge drop tended to mess with your stomach and make you feel hungry._

_The queue for Space Shuttle wasn’t too long because most teenagers deemed it boring after finding out about the lack of speeds and adrenaline rushes, but the sight of it made Luke’s stomach churn in fear. As if being strapped to the huge harnesses wasn’t bad enough, the ride makes you face the floor to give off the impression that you’re actually flying. Throughout the four minutes that the foursome were soaring through the park, Luke failed to feel that flying experience and thought more about the inevitability of their imminent deaths if anything goes wrong._

_The next hour wasn’t too different; Calum would use the map and lead them to the next ride, Ashton and Michael would cheer and sprint for the line as if they were children, and Luke would remind them every five minutes or so that it was never too late for them to turn around and go on the teacups. Of course, the group knew that if Luke got too scared it was wrong to force him onto a ride and they had a mutual agreement not to make him feel pressured, but their persuasion skills combined with Luke’s anxiety telling him that they would hate him for chickening out made him agree to be strapped in time and time again._

_That is, until they reached Wild Mouse._

_The sun had reached its peak and shone down on the park as excited teenagers ran to the scariest rollercoasters they could find or climbed off rides with huge smiles on their faces, but the only thing going through Luke’s mind was 'oh my god, you’re going to die’ as they neared the entrance to the rollercoaster that nobody had shut up about._

_It wasn’t a long ride at all - people were being strapped in, having their turn and getting off within a minute - and there were no loops, bends or creepy music to make the ride seem scary at all. However, when Luke peered up at the sky and watched sixteen people plunge from 60 feet high right down into the dark underground, he knew that this was too much for him. As childish as it sounded, Luke’s biggest fears were falling and the dark, so even with Michael holding his hand and Calum and Ashton giving him encouraging words from his other side, he couldn’t tackle the ride and before he knew it, Luke’s feet were turning away from Wild Mouse leading him in the opposite direction._

_“Luke!” Calum called after the smaller boy when he noticed him leaving, sighing and beginning to run after him. Ashton and Michael had already joined the queue but quickly turned to see what the commotion was about and only caught a glimpse of dark hair and skinny jeans running away before they broke into a sprint._

_None of the boys stopped running until they saw Luke enter the bathrooms near the pirate ships, and they missed the look of relief on his face when he found there was nobody in there. He didn’t bother hiding his tears, instead falling into a fit of sobs and whimpers in the stall furthest from the door._

_“Let me talk to him,” Michael suggested and Calum and Ashton left with an encouraging smile as well as a pat on the back from each of them. Michael noticed that the stall was left unlocked and slowly entered on his own accord, frowning when he saw the small figure curled up against the wall. He took a seat next to the boy who didn’t hesitate to lean into him for a hug._

_“I can’t fucking do it Michael, I’m sorry.” Luke cried, clinging onto his boyfriend’s jacket with shaking hands. “I’m sorry, I feel so fucking dumb but I’m scared and I can’t get on it. I can’t do it.”_

_Michael sighed and threw his arms around Luke’s shaking body, trying to calm him down enough to form more coherent sentences instead of just wailing into his shirt. He heard more muffled apologies and brushed them off, not understanding why he felt the need to apologise._

_Weeks before the trip, Luke told his friends about his fear. They all knew that he was terrified of certain things and probably wouldn’t go on everything the rest of them wanted to, but Luke was their friend and they accepted his flaws with a smile. They would obviously try to get him on smaller rides and things they knew he would enjoy, but with the big rides they would never dream of pressuring him._

_“Hey, listen to me.” Michael whispered, lifting Luke’s chin with his index finger. His cheeks were stained with tears coming from his puffy, red eyes but Michael couldn’t help but think about how beautiful his boyfriend was. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”_

_“But-” Luke started but Michael quickly cut him off._

_“No. You did nothing wrong. Luke, we know you’re scared and that’s okay, plenty of people hate rollercoasters. Calum used to be terrified of them until we made him go to Sega World with us! You have nothing to be ashamed of, the last thing we want to do is force you to get on a ride that you’ll hate. If you want to stand at the side and hold our bags, that’s fine. If you want us to leave altogether and go on Moon Ranger or the Carousel again, that’s fine too. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”_

_Despite Michael’s words, Luke still had a sense that his boyfriend was only trying to make him feel better. That was Luke’s biggest problem with his anxiety - no matter what, nothing could make him feel completely comfortable. He would always have a tiny fear that something would go wrong or someone would get mad._

_“You were so excited to go on it,” Luke replied, his voice filled with regret. “I just wanted to be brave.”_

_“That’s what I’m here for,” Michael replied and Luke gave him a confused look, not understanding what he meant. Michael brought his lips to Luke’s nose, giving it a light peck before brushing the streaks of tears from under his eyes. “I love you, Luke. I’m here for you and I want to be brave so you don’t have to.”_

_The words were simple but hit him hard and Luke initially thought that maybe Michael didn’t mean all of it. However, looking into his eyes, Luke knew that Michael didn’t regret saying any of it - and Luke knew he wouldn’t regret his reply._

_“I love you too.”_

_They still had a long way to go until he could open up more and maybe try new things, but Luke knew that he would be okay. He had the best boyfriend, friends and family that he could ask for, despite their many flaws and mishaps making them seem less like a fantastic foursome and more like the inbetweeners._

_“Where do you want to go?” Michael questioned as they climbed up from the floor and scrambled back onto their feet, shoulders still brushing together as they walked._

_“Space Shuttle?”_

_He smiled and gripped onto Luke’s hand, sending him a reassuring grin. Despite Luke not wanting to try his favourite ride, he was willing to go on whatever he had to if it meant his boyfriend was comfortable. They stepped out of the bathrooms and Calum and Ashton began to head over, glad that Luke was feeling better._

_“Space Shuttle it is.”_

*

_Michael didn’t expect to be woken up at nine in the morning, on a boiling hot day in the middle of December, by a series of loud bangs on his door, but as he pulled himself up from the bed and the knocking against the front door continued, he realized this wasn’t a part of his dream._

_He trudged down the stairs and made his way to the landing, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes as he fumbled with the lock. It had been a long night for Michael, involving terribly baked brownies, a Harry Potter movie marathon and several hours of telling bad puns and reading memes and text posts aloud to Luke on the other end of the phone._

_Of course, this meant that Luke was overly tired too so the last person Michael thought would be on the other side of the door was his boyfriend. Alas, there he stood, dressed in tight black jeans and raggedy converse, sweating on Michael’s doorstep._

_“I just spent half an hour walking to starbucks so I could bring you a frappe to wake you up, but the shop was closed for refurbishment or whatever the fuck they’re doing,” Luke stuttered, the tone of his voice fluctuating in the hot weather. “So on my way home, I obviously had to fall down a hill and face plant into the dirt.”_

_After a few moments, Michael got over the initial shock of seeing the boy at his front door and quickly ushered him inside thanking God, Jesus and every other holy force out there that his parents weren’t home to fawn over them. He knew that his mum would feel horrible for Luke and want to look after him all day until he was cleaned up, and the attention would only make Luke’s anxiety skyrocket, so he lead the awkward boy to the couch and told him to wait there._

_Michael ran up the stairs two at a time, tripping over the top step but shaking it off and acting like it didn’t happen. He entered his bedroom and went straight to the closet, pulling out some clothes that Luke could change into as his were covered in mud. He settled on a pair of black sweatpants and his Fall Out Boy jumper that was already two sizes too big, as well as a pair of rainbow socks his Grandma had bought him for Christmas last year._

_Michael headed back down the stairs as fast as possible, handing Luke the clothes and watching in guilt as the boy tried to make his way to the downstairs bathroom as quickly as his body could go. When he returned in the oversized jumper and wrapped his arms around his torso, Michael couldn’t help but admire how adorable he looked._

_Michael smiled at the boy and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. Luke took a seat on the couch and pulled up his legs so he could wrap his arms around them, so Michael decided to make them both a hot chocolate. He knew Luke loved it with extra sugar and marshmallows, so he got out everything he needed while the water was boiling in the kettle. Making a hot drink on an already-hot day didn’t seem smart, but most Australians would agree that you get used to the heat._

_They didn’t speak a word as Michael marched around the kitchen, Luke barely lifting his head up from his knees when he heard Michael open the whipped cream to add some to both of their mugs. Michael entered the room two minutes later, one mug in each hand. Michael handed one of them to Luke to try and warm him up which seemed to work, as when Luke gripped the mug and the heat met his skin, he let out a quiet sigh of content._

_“Thank you for taking care of me.” Luke whispered, taking a sip of his scorching drink. Michael simply nodded and leaned forward to grab the television remote. He switched on the screen and flicked through the channels for a few minutes before noticing that Luke’s favourite film had started a few minutes ago._

_“You wanna watch ’Donnie Darko’?” Michael said, and he felt his stomach do backflips when he saw the excited look on Luke’s face at the mention of the movie. Truthfully, even after hearing Luke talk about it so much, Michael had never bothered to watch the movie, so this way he could bond with his boyfriend and also find out if the film was as amazing and life changing as Luke had described._

_So with 'Donnie Darko’ playing on the television and both boys cuddled into each other on the couch, steaming cups of hot chocolate in their grips, the lack of conversation didn’t matter; in fact, between their quiet laughs and sarcastic comments, Michael felt himself fall even harder for his best friend and Luke felt exactly the same._

_*_

_Luke had never planned on spending his entire weekend at Michael’s, but after his mum called and said he can stay over if he wanted to and Mr and Mrs Clifford texted Michael to say they would be staying at a hotel, the boys ended up lounging on the couch together for the rest of the day._

_By evening time, they had eaten their way through four servings of Chinese food, from chicken chow mein to beef and mushroom foo yung, and by seven o'clock Michael was lay with his head resting on Luke’s shoulder as they listened to a random pop song playing on TV._

_'You touched me and_  
_suddenly I was a lilac sky,_  
_then you decided purple_  
_just wasn’t for you’_

_The lyrics reminded Luke of a story he had been studying in school, one that had caused him a lot of grief over the past few weeks because of the complex analysis the class were expected to know. He had been set a particularly difficult homework that week, so he figured Michael might be able to help him since he was a lot better with words._

_“Did your English class ever have to do that thing, where you had to explain love?” Luke asked. He internally prayed that Michael said yes, so he might be able to give Luke some tips and hopefully save him from failing the task._

_Michael furrowed his eyebrows, trying to remember if that was ever a topic which had come up in his lessons. They had studied love letters, how to portray characters in love and other similar subjects, but he couldn’t recall ever being taught about what love itself is. Luke took his silence as a no and groaned, leaving his head back to face the ceiling so his neck rested on the back of the couch._

_“I didn’t even know what to write in the lesson, we have to tell the class how we interpret it next week and I have no idea what to say,” Luke groaned, racking his brain for the words he needed. “I just don’t know how to write it down, you know?”_

_Michael understood and wanted to be as helpful as possible, but this was never a task he was given so he had no advice to give other than to simply 'tell the truth’ and 'try your best’._

_“Help?” Luke whined, staring at Michael with tired eyes._

_Michael nodded and leaned away from Luke to rest his steaming mug on the glass table in front of the couch. He picked up a cushion and snuggled into it, facing Luke._

_“Explain it to me, I’ll help sort it out and find a way to write it.” Michael smiled, pulling himself into a cross legged position._

_“I don’t know, it’s like I believe in love at first sight, but I don’t. I don’t need to talk to someone for hours and go on a thousand dates to fall in love - I can spend ten minutes watching their body language, memorising their reactions to every little thing… I don’t fall in love with their words, I fall in love with them.”_

_“But how do you know you’re compatible if you never speak?” Michael pondered, curiosity filling his veins. He had heard Luke talk about love a few times, but hearing his exact thoughts was intriguing._

_“It’s not that I ever want to speak to them - I love speaking to people.” Luke quickly responded. “I love finding out their theories on life and hearing their opinions, listening and digesting how other people see the world amazes me. I just don’t think I need to do that to fall in love.”_

_Michael nodded along, not fully understanding but at the same time not wanting to disrupt. He always thought you could only really love someone after months of knowing them when you knew the details about their life and their beliefs. The thought of Luke falling in love so cutely and innocently confused, but also excited Michael._

_“I just… With you, for example. The first time we talked I wasn’t interested in you because you were funny or cute or interesting.” Luke ran a hand through his fringe, swiping the hair across his head. “I fell in love with you because of the way you fiddled with the end of your sleeves when we met, but rolled them up when you got more comfortable. You fixed your hair a lot and you did this adorable thing with your nose - I can’t even explain it. I fell in love with the way you changed, how comfortable you seem around me, Calum and Ashton.”_

_By now Michael was blushing, trying his best to look down and hide it. Luke noticed and smiled at his boyfriend, loving how easy it was so get him flustered. He grabbed Michael’s chin, pulling his head up so they could stare into each other’s eyes for a minute. Michael still had a light blush on his cheeks when Luke leaned in, capturing his lips in a brief kiss before pulling away._

_“I didn’t fall in love with your words,” Luke grinned at rested his forehead on Michael’s, their noses lightly brushing as they breathed in sink. “I fell in love you.”_

_*_

*

Daniel knew it was a strange thing to ask for considering he had to grow up without one of his parents, but he couldn’t help but wish he had a romance exactly like theirs. Most people in his school were fixated on drinking and going to parties despite only being young, but his idea of a perfect relationship didn’t involve sex at all, really.

Even if boys were seen as weak or girly if they ever showed emotions or wanted to be romantic, Daniel had always secretly imagined having a huge wedding with a girl he knew for years and fell in love with over a long time. He wanted children and pets and a huge house; one day, he wanted the entire fairytale dream to be his life.

“If you loved each other, why did you never get married?” He pondered. Daniel knew he got his romanticism from his father, so the thought of Luke never proposing after everything he had been through with Michael was very odd.

“I actually did propose,” Luke replied, giving a forced smile to his son. This confused Daniel - why didn’t Luke have a ring if they were engaged?

“Wait, so you and Papa were engaged?”  Daniel quickly responded. He was into the story so much that he wanted to found out all of the details, even if the story ended with a twist that only made him feel worse about not knowing his other father.

“Let me tell you about it, okay?” Luke spoke softly, not wanting to patronise the boy. He knew it would be better to just get it out and finally tell his son exactly what happened in the last few years of Luke’s life, and from the way Daniel was frantically nodded, Luke knew they both wanted the same thing.

*

_In the days leading up to his proposal to Michael, Luke wasn’t nervous. Sure, there were fears in the back of his mind about what would happen if Michael said no, something went wrong or he messed up his speech, but looking around at the scenery and the smile on his boyfriend’s face, Luke knew there was no way Michael would be able to deny him._

_Most people would expect an extravagant proposal with balloons, a huge public declaration of love and the most expensive ring available, but Luke had planned his proposal to be quite the opposite. It had taken weeks to decide exactly how he wanted things to be, but Luke knew the only place he could propose to Michael was in their treehouse where everything had started._

_Michael was amazed by the sight in front of him when he climbed up through the door after Luke. The edges of the room were lined with small electric candles, the kind that looked real but really had a lightbulb inside to stop things from catching on fire. A blanket of fairy lights also hung from the roof, giving the room a warm glow and making the ceiling look like it had its very own sky filled with stars._

_The glistening lights illuminated the blankets spread across the floor, a double mattress placed in the centre of the room covered in as many cushions and pillows as it could hold. The only other object was a small projector facing the wall, and Michael noticed that the title screen for Donnie Darko, the same movie they watched together as teenagers, was displayed on a sheet against the wall._

_“Luke…” Michael gasped, his brain struggling to take in his surroundings. It was times like this that he remembered why the two were a couple; Michael had always been into love and cheesy romance, but he found it difficult to show that in his words and actions where as Luke was awkward and nerdy but somehow knew exactly how to make Michael blush with only a few sentences._

_The two barely exchanged any words before the film started, both feeling comfortable enough around each other to just snuggle down in the blankets and make occasional comments when something funny happened. From the amount of times Luke had watched the movie he could quote all of his favourite scenes, which Michael couldn’t help but smile at._

_Anyone who was stood outside of the treehouse would probably be confused by what it sounded like inside. At one point Michael had turned the volume up so they could sing along to Notorious in the talent show scene, but their laughter made the words sound mixed up and twisted._

_Even closer to the end of the film when Michael became emotional over his favourite character being hurt, Luke managed to make him feel better. It seemed that they were both great at cheering each other up; Michael could be having a panic attack that neither Calum, Ashton or any of his family members could solve, but as soon as Luke showed up it was easy for them to get his breathing back in sync._

_They knew each other inside and out, and neither Luke nor Michael wanted that to change._

_As the film finished and the credits started to play, the time was nearing 10pm and Luke knew it was time for him to come out and say what he had been thinking of all night. His hands were shaking in fear and his head was spinning, but as soon as Michael turned his head to face Luke and their eyes met, it was as if everything Luke had been afraid of didn’t matter any more._

_“Can I tell you something?” Luke spoke over the soft music playing as the credits continued to scroll. Michael only nodded in reply, sitting up so he could look directly at his boyfriend._

_“It’s been so long since we met, and I can’t believe I’ve known you for ten years. The thought of being with someone for so long used to terrify me, but I honestly don’t know how I ever managed to live without you,” Luke chuckled, thinking back to his first day of school when he probably resembled a lost puppy. “I grew up with you by my side, you’ve been there with me through thick and thin. Out of all the people I’ve known and all of the places I’ve been, you’re the one thing that’s been a constant in my life. You’re all I know.”_

_Michael felt himself blush at the words, but he had an uneasy feeling in the back of his mind about what could be happening. Luke was obviously excited about what he had to say, but Michael had planned his own speech for this night and it wasn’t half as positive or happy as this one seemed to be._

_“I know I fell for you all those years ago, but I can still hear your muffled laughter from the back of French class and the stupid impressions you did when we used to get bored in maths. I can feel your arms around me every second of every day just how they felt when we hugged on our first date. I can always smell your aftershave in the back of my mind and sometimes I swear to god, the only thing I can taste in my mouth is your lips and it’s weird but exciting and I honestly don’t want it to stop.”_

_Luke was getting flustered, but didn’t give up, pushing himself to keep talking and saying the words he had been piecing together one by one over the previous months. This night was supposed to be perfect for both halves of the couple, and Luke was determined to not let himself ruin it._

_“It could be the way I feel when I look at you or it could just be the nerves, but you make something in my stomach do backflips every time you walk into the room and I want to spend the rest of my life feeling like that.”_

_“Luke, please stop-”_

_Thinking Michael was just getting embarrassed and trying to be modest, Luke laughed it off and tried to continue speaking. He had no idea that Michael really couldn’t let him keep talking or why the night was going to come to an abrupt end._

_“No, I can see where this is going and I can’t let you do this. I can’t let you say all these things knowing I don’t feel the same.” Michael rushed out, fumbling on his words as he tried to clear the air before things go bad. It didn’t come out exactly as planned, obviously Michael loved Luke more than the moon loved the stars and he needed him, but he also knew that this might be the easiest way to stop Luke from getting carried away._

_The look on Luke’s face as his mind processed the words was enough to break anyone. His Cheshire Cat grin had been wiped away, replaced by a broken frown and tears glistening in his eyes like the fairy lights still hanging over their heads._

_“Luke, listen. It’s just-” Michael groaned and shook his head, not knowing how to justify himself. His thoughts felt jumbled and none of his words could possibly be pieced together in a way that made this whole situation hurt less._

_“What, you’re telling me this was all a big mistake? That you never really loved me?” Luke’s sadness had already turned into frustration, and by now he was almost steaming with anger, not wanting to believe what he was hearing. The boy he had spent years with and given his heart to was just throwing away the life they had basically created from building blocks._

_“Luke, you know that’s not what I meant,” The smaller boy rubbed a hand over his blue eyes and ran his fingers through his fringe in frustration. He didn’t want to make anyone upset, but maybe it would be best to make Luke leave him instead of breaking his heart._

_“I should have seen this coming,” Luke’s voice cracked as a tear rolled down his cheek. How could he have been such an idiot? After they had been together for so long, one of them was bound to get bored. Love wasn’t for everyone, Luke had always been the one pouring his heart out as a teenager, he should have guessed that they might not have both felt the same way._

_Michael felt horrible as soon as he saw tears running down his boyfriend’s face, but not as bad as Luke would feel if he knew what was going on. If they broke up now, Luke could move out and take Daniel and find someone else. It would help them both in the long run, even if the words he had to say were leaving a sour taste in Michael’s mouth._

_“I don’t even fucking care anymore, this is bullshit.” Luke muttered, shoving his hands into his pockets and trying to find something hidden inside. “You know what,” he pulled the small box from his jacket pocket and threw it to the ground by Michael’s feet. “You can fucking keep this, I can’t return it anyway.”_

_Michael reached out and picked up the box. It was a deep red colour, only about two inches wide. He examined it for a moment before his eyes brimmed with extra tears, his brain not wanting to face the reality of what was going on._

_“Luke, wait-”_

_“Don’t bother, I’m not doing this. If you didn’t want to marry me, you could’ve spared me the embarrassment and just broke up with me back in high school.” Luke spat back, not wanting to listen to any more excuses or apologies. “I fell for you, and I didn’t realise you weren’t going to catch me until I hit the ground. It’s over, I get it.”_

_Michael cringed at hearing the pain Luke’s voice, not used to it. Obviously they both got upset, but it was never this bad, especially not towards the other. Looking back at his hands, the silver ring glistened under the moonlight and Michael felt his insides melt just looking at it. All he ever wanted was to get married and fall in love and be happy, but as soon as he got the chance something had to come along and ruin it. He messed everything up and that was never going to change._

_Luke made his way back towards the car, unlocking the doors and tugging the boot of the car open with one harsh, quick movement. He tossed in a bundle of the blankets along with their stereo, his iPhone still attached by a thin wire. He figured there was no point finishing their date considering he was just dumped in the middle of a proposal, so he slammed the door shut and moved over to his seat behind the steering wheel to wait for Michael to climb in too._

_The ride home seemed to last forever, and it was made much more intense by the silence._

_When they got home, Michael knew that he had to explain, for he couldn’t risk losing the most important people in his life. Daniel was a child, it wouldn’t be fair for him to lose his Papa without ever knowing what really happened._

_“You know how I told you I got really sick when I was little?” Michael whispered, not wanting to talk loudly because talking would make it all so much more real._

_“I had primary bone cancer. I’ve been NIC for years, since I was 9. Nobody from school knew what was wrong, I never told Calum and Ashton; they just know I wasn’t always healthy.”_

_Luke knew what direction it was heading in, and didn’t want to stick around to listen. He was speechless, a kaleidoscope of emotions whirling around his head like a hurricane, trying to drown out all of the positivity and love he had built over the years._

_“It’s back, isn’t it?”_

_Michael nodded lightly, a sigh escaping his lips which were pulled into a frown._

_“We’re going to be fine.”_

_“Are you kidding me? This will never be 'fine’!” Luke exclaimed, dropping onto the sofa with a huff. His chest rose and fell quickly and his face was a light shade of red, breath coming out faster than usual._

_“I wasn’t planning on this, okay?” Michael knew he was wrong to get upset at his boyfriend. He couldn’t blame Luke for getting frustrated, but after the years they’d spent together, Michael wasn’t ready to give it all up. “The story of my life started with nothing but hospitals, pain and sadness; I grew up swearing I’d never get attached to people, and falling in love with you was the last thing I wanted.”_

_Luke felt tears gathering in his eyes, all of his anger and frustration begging to leave the confinement of his brain. So many thoughts were flying through his head, crashing into his skull and it was hard to comprehend everything going on._

_“Remember when you compared our relationship to a fairy tale?” Michael showed a brief smile as he recalled the memory, but his face turned grave. “For weeks, I kept thinking about how much our little romance was like a book, and that scared the crap out of me. Because even the greatest stories have to end.”_

_The two men were sat a mere 5 feet away from each other, but to them it felt like they were miles apart. Michael was barely holding himself together enough to talk, and Luke had already given up on trying to conceal his pain, letting quiet sobs rise from his throat._

_“I know it’s selfish and wrong and it’s probably the worst thing in the world for me to ask you not to give up on our story now that you know I’m sick, but I don’t care anymore. I always knew this chapter of my life wouldn’t last forever yet here I am, begging you not to turn the page.”_

_Michael never received a reply, watching with solemn eyes as his boyfriend rose from his seat and left the room. He heard footsteps climb the stairs before the sound of their bedroom door slamming shut echoed throughout the house. He knew that Luke needed time and Michael decided that it would be best for everyone if he slept on the sofa tonight, so that’s what he did; nestled in a pile of blankets with tears falling down his face, Michael drifted into a sleep wishing he could wake up and find out the past day had been a dream._

*

_Luke woke up the next morning the sound of Daniel crying in his bedroom. Michael wasn’t lay in their bed like he usually was in the morning, and Luke cringed at the memories of last night. Their date, the maybe-almost-break up, Michael admitting he was sick - the whole evening was a disaster._

_While he made breakfast for his son, Luke found himself wondering where Michael could have gone. The blankets had been pushed off the sofa and pillows were scattered on the floor from his constant movements in the night, but there was no sign of life in the house other than Daniel and Luke himself. Michael never went upstairs to get changed so Luke guessed that he could have slept in his clothes and gone out that morning, but Luke didn’t want to be left alone._

_He knew it was wrong to be angry at Michael for something he couldn’t help, especially something that risked his life, but was Luke really to blame? There was so much information to take in that night and so many emotions in the room, it all mixed together into anger, frustration and overall negativity._

_Luke also knew that he needed to speak to Michael as soon as possible, so when breakfast was ready and eaten and Daniel finally tore his eyes away from the episode of Adventure Time playing on the living room TV, Luke drove to his mum’s house and dropped Daniel off to spend the day with his grandma whilst he sorted things out with Michael._

_It took him a while to find his boyfriend, but Luke arrived at their old treehouse after two hours of driving aimlessly around Sydney. There was little noise inside but from the way the leaves on the ground had been brushed off the ladder and the door was half open, it was obvious that someone was inside._

_It was strange, being back there. Luke had so many good memories associated with that treehouse; his first date, first anniversary with Michael, the fake high school prom they put together. There was always an aura of happiness in the wooden room but as Luke climbed the stairs and laid eyes on the boy sat with his back resting on the far wall, the air was filled with nothing but pain and sadness._

_Neither of the boys spoke when Luke took a seat next to Michael, their hands automatically entwining and almost as if it was an instinct, Michael moved his body into his boyfriend’s side and let his head rest on Luke’s shoulder. The two sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, their hearts beating in time and their chests rising and falling as they breathed in sync with each other._

_“Tell me about it?” Luke questioned softly, not wanting to ruin the atmosphere. Michael knew he would have to talk eventually and had spent the entire morning trying to piece together his childhood in a way that he could explain it without making Luke cry in sadness or confusion._

_“There wasn’t one particular thing that caused it,” Michael sighed, running a hand over his stomach. “I just got unlucky, you know?” After years of staying quiet and never speaking up, Michael was well aware that he owed Luke an explanation as soon as possible, so he stopped holding back and finally told the story that he had never spoken aloud before._

_Luke almost groaned in response and looked down to fiddle with his fingers because yes, he did know. The emotional pain he was feeling could never compare to everything Michael had gone through, but the lump in his throat and the tightening in his chest made it near impossible for Luke to hold back his tears._

_“I was born a lot bigger and heavier than I should have been, apparently that put me at a bigger risk of getting sick. I had a form of primary bone cancer called an osteosarcoma, I was diagnosed when I was seven but they caught it kind of late because I had this weird thing - I think it’s called 'referred pain’?” Michael sat quietly for a few seconds trying to think back and remember his diagnosis. It was almost twenty years ago and after pushing the memories away for so long, reliving it all felt strange._

_“Yeah, it was called something like that. Basically, I had this tumour in my right knee and it didn’t really stop me from running anything because it was like, inside the bone. The thing is, the only place that actually hurt was my stomach instead of my leg so my mum took me for a load of x-rays and scans around my ribs and chest area instead of my leg. My knee ached sometimes but it was nothing compared to the stomach aches so I never bothered mentioning it.”_

_The story had barely started, yet both of them were holding back the sobs rising in their throats. Luke wished he could stop listening and forget the past few days had happened, but reality sucked and there was obviously a good reason for Michael to be coming clean or he would have kept it a secret forever._

_“Low grade cancers grow pretty slowly so I had a few weeks to finish up school work and say bye to my friends before treatment,” Michael allowed a few tears to escape from his eyes, still upset about missing out on his childhood. “I had to leave school because chemotherapy made me really sick, but it shrunk the tumour enough that I didn’t need surgery which was good.”_

_Immediately Luke thought back to his own upbringing and started to pity his boyfriend even more. Michael wouldn’t have wanted his pity, but while Luke was in school having fun and not worrying about anything, Michael was stuck in a hospital room probably covered in tubes and needles without anyone to keep him company or cheer him up. He had always hated the thought of young children getting sick, and the thought of Michael being treated as a lab rat was something that could make anyone feel bad._

_“After they shrunk the tumour and chemo was over I still had to go and get tests done to make sure the cancer was really gone. I didn’t mind though, I was so grateful for what the hospital did for me and the nurses were all really nice!” Michael grinned at the memory and even through his tears, Luke managed to smile at the older man. The way he could take such a painful, emotional, terrible event and find something positive underneath all of the sadness is what made Luke fall in love Michael more and more every day._

_The tale made Luke cry, but in a way it also brought the boys closer together and he could definitely say he adored Michael so much more after finding out exactly what happened. In a matter of years, Michael went from being a broken boy in a children’s ward to being an incredible man, spreading positivity everywhere he went and leading the most extraordinary life possible. There was no one in the world who deserved cancer less than Michael did, but there was also no one who could handle all of that pain in the same way._

_“I want to marry you,” Michael announced in a hushed tone. “I just needed you to know first.”_

_And finally, Luke understood why last night happened. He knew that Michael didn’t hate him or want to break up, he was just too much of a good person to let Luke be led on and believe that he was going to be marrying someone healthy._

_So as the two of them lay against the wall in their favourite place, snuggled together as if one of them wasn’t dying and the other wasn’t in the verge of a breakdown, both boys were silently praying for the other; Luke hoping that Michael would survive, and Michael hoping that Luke would be okay if he didn’t._

_*_

_Chemotherapy started only two weeks later, which meant lots of hospital visits, early morning starts and plenty of phone calls to Luke’s mum, thanking her for taking care of Daniel. She was happy to look after her grandson, especially considering the circumstances. Michael was glad that the boy wouldn’t be surrounded by the same white walls that he grew up in._

_It took up a lot of his free time but Luke managed to pick up an extra few hours of work to help pay for Michael’s treatment. He was already juggling being a father, a supportive fiancé and a writer, but between his job at the local library and a weekend job in a pet store down the street from his house with Michael and Daniel, Luke barely had time to eat or sleep._

_Even if it meant suffering himself, Luke was happy to do the extra work if it saved Michael. After they met up in the treehouse, Michael told Luke about the appointments he had booked and after lots of long talks with the doctors and nurses in the hospital, they all agreed on the best treatment plan. Unfortunately, keeping Michael alive meant eventually having surgery but since the cancer was so much worse this time around, it was going to be majorly expensive and they would still have to use vigorous chemotherapy to destroy enough of the dangergerous cells and stop them from multiplying so quickly._

_When Michael had mentioned chemotherapy making him sick, Luke had a few ideas on what lay ahead. He imagined Michael lay in bed, occasionally throwing up, asking for cups of tea and maybe some cereal if he got hungry. Luke imagined frantic calls from the hospital in the night because Michael wanted to go home, having to drive there in the night to help him when he felt like he couldn’t breathe and maybe a few trips to the supermarket if Michael wanted extra food or treats that the hospital didn’t provide._

_Honestly, that would be a walk in the park compared to what actually happened._

_The first time Luke was called to the hospital at night was a Friday, and Daniel was spending the night at his grandma’s house which was lucky, considering he would probably end up crying all night if Luke dragged him out of bed and into the hospital. The phone rang at 4am and Luke’s ears were met with a nurse begging him to come and see Michael, who apparently had a bad reaction to his pain relievers._

_Luke had run straight to the car and perhaps drove over the speed limit for a while, but nothing prepared him for what he saw when he entered Michael’s hospital room. There was vomit splattered across the bedsheets and some of the floor, a young nurse trying not to cringe away from the substance as she tried to clean it up. The sheets were ruffled, a monitor behind the bed beeping away faster than it should have been. That wasn’t the worst part, though._

_Michael was covered in sweat, head to toe. It was easy to see the liquid dripping down his face, and it made his long fringe stick to his head easily. His skin had somehow become more pale than it already was, however the dark shadows of large bags hung from his lifeless eyes, and despite the shallow rising and falling of his chest, Michael looked like he was already dead._

_Luke was struck with the immediate fear that Michael might not even die from the cancer. He had talked about not being able to deal with chemo as a child, and if his body couldn’t handle any of his pain medicine, how was he going to survive treatment? The reactions might take Michael’s life before the osteosarcoma got a chance to, and that terrified Luke._

_“Mr Hemmings?” A nurse called from behind, and Luke quickly turned around to face her. There was a worried look on her face, but Luke couldn’t help but notice how her pale skin, green eyes and blonde hair made her slightly resemble the sick boy lay just a few meters away._

_She seemed to take Luke’s shocked face as confirmation that it was him who she was looking for. “Michael is going to be okay, you can go and see him soon but right now I need you to come with me.”_

_With a nod, Luke followed her into a small office space, leaving behind the only person who really needed his help. The nurse didn’t say very much in the room, only repeating some details about Michael’s current state and diagnosis that Luke had heard a million times before. However, if him being out of the way gave the doctors a chance to clean Michael up and get him back to normal, that was all he wanted._

*

_“I love you.”_

_“I know, Mikey.” Luke sighed, running his fingers through Michael’s fringe which was still damp with sweat. “You love me and I love you so fucking much, but it’s not always that simple. That’s not always enough.”_

_Once again, Luke had been called to the hospital in the middle of the night. This was the most urgent summoning he’d been given, however; Michael’s tumour had started to reject the chemotherapy and the cells were still dividing and spreading as rapidly as they had before treatment. Luke was resting with Michael on the small hospital bed. The two of them couldn’t get any closer to each other if they tried, but Luke still tightened his grip around the older boy. Images of the past few weeks flashed through his mind and it was scary to think that just a few hours ago, neither of them were sure if Michael would still be alive to have this conversation now._

_“I don’t get it.”_

_Michael ran a weak hand over his face, rubbing away some of the sweat. His breathing had finally evened itself out from his treatment and although he was still a little hot, his temperature was near enough average. It probably didn’t help that he was snuggled in with Luke, but he figured it was worth it._

_“Michael, just listen.”_

_“No! I’m sorry, I just-” Michael groaned and pushed his head further back into Luke’s chest. “You said all we need is each other, I don’t understand why that’s not true any more.”_

_Both men were angry, but not with each other. Were they frustrated with the hospital’s crappy small beds? Yes. Were they irritated with the cancer and it’s persistence to come back and try and take Michael’s life? Definitely. But neither of them felt any sort of negativity towards the other._

_“Hey, listen to me.” Luke pulled himself up into a sitting position and used his pointer finger to turn Michael’s head to face him. “You’re the best friend, boyfriend and fiancé that I could ask for and I promise you that you and Daniel are all I’m ever going to need. But right now, the most important thing is that we get you better, because no matter how much I need you, that means nothing if you’re not here.”_

_“I’m not going to be here, Luke.” Michael let out a frustrated moan, clenching his eyes shut as a wave of pain washed over him. “I’m not having the surgery. I’m dying.”_

_And it was true. Luke had already talked with the doctors and representatives from Michael’s health insurance. They were happy to pay for most of his treatment and recovery plan, but since Michael had already been diagnosed and treated for his osteosarcoma once before, the family would have to raise extra cash to cover all of the surgeries Michael would need to get him back to health, and the cost was extravagant._

_When Michael found out, he didn’t care what Luke wanted to do. He wasn’t going to let his fiancée and son suffer just so he could get a few operations that might not even save his life - it was impractical and selfish, which were two things Michael never wanted to be labelled. Arguments and frustration occurred as a result of his decision, but eventually Luke gave in and agreed to respect Michael’s wishes._

_“I’m always going to support you, you know that?” Luke let out a choked sob, not wanting to talk about the matter any more. “So if that means you don’t get the surgery and we just wait and see if the chemo works again, I’ll sign the papers.”_

_Michael simply nodded in reply, turning on his side and snuggling closer into Luke, moving his shoulder until he was comfortable. The two lay quietly for a while and Michael actually believed Luke had fallen asleep until he spoke, breaking the silence in the room._

_“How are you so strong? It’s unbelievable.”_

_“I’m giving up on myself and leaving my family,” Michael laughed slightly, shaking his head. “I’m far from strong.”_

_No matter what, Luke always told Michael how strong he had been through the whole process. Considering how many times he had reacted badly to treatments, refused to have certain things used on him and just had breakdowns in general, Michael couldn’t understand how he was anything but a wuss._

_“I’m not lying, Michael! You’ve been through so much in your life, it’s fucking unfair what the world has put you through but no matter what, you just reshape yourself and fix your broken pieces and keep yourself in the air.” Luke moved slightly to directly face Michael. “You’re like my own personal paper plane.”_

_“What?” Michael replied, whispering softly so he didn’t wake up any patients in the rooms nearby._

_“It’s like, everyone else is a plane with massive jet engines and metal wings, and even though they look strong, one day their engines will run out and they can’t fly without their power.”_

_The only light in the room was a single beam, streaming in through a gap in the curtains to directly hit the side of Michael’s face. Even if his skin was sickly pale and the hair on his head was long gone, Luke still couldn’t find a single flaw in the older boy._

_“But not you.” Luke smiled softly at Michael, entwining their fingers. “Every time you fall, it’s easy to mould you back to shape and keep you in the air. You don’t need an engine to fly, you just need yourself.”_

_And those were the last words spoken that night, Luke deciding to lay with Michael until his snores were the only sound in the room and it was safe for him to leave the bed. The nurses were never impressed with them laying together as it put Michael at higher risk of infection, so he tried to cooperate with both sides and moved to sleep on the chair next to the bed once Michael had dozed off each night._

_The fact that Michael was now living in hospital was a nightmare to Luke, but as they both fell asleep together in the room, and the darkness concealed all of the machines and needles linking up to Michael’s bed, both of them could pretend that the cancer wasn’t there at all and Luke would finally manage to drift into a slumber with a smile on his face._

*

_“You’re going to be okay, all of you.”_

_There were only twenty or so people in the room, but the air was so thick that another fifty people could enter and it wouldn’t make much of a difference. Friends and families were gathered in the hospital ward, lost thoughts swirling around all of their minds without a chance of being put into words._

_Calum and Ashton had given up trying to say goodbye, choosing to sit in the corner and sob into each other’s shoulders with a few other friends of Michael. Mrs Clifford had already broken down on her son’s chest, giving him as many tight hugs and face kisses as she possibly could before leaving the room and heading to the hospital crèche to check on Daniel. Everyone had agreed that it would be best to keep the child away from the ward when the time came for Michael to leave._

_Over the hours leading to his eventual death, Michael received an emotional goodbye from most of the people he had been close with since high school. Countless letters and cards adorned every empty surface in the room, infinite tears were shed and the hospital began to represent a funeral already. No matter how many people came by to say their final words, nothing could have prepared them for Luke’s farewell._

_The room had been quiet for a little over ten minutes when Luke stepped up to the bed. It was nearing four o'clock when he finally found the courage to speak, which meant there were only a few minutes left before a nurse would step into the room, flip off each switch behind the bed and shut down all of the monitors, drips and ventilators that had kept Michael alive for the past few weeks. It was possible for people to stay alive after their life support was switched off, but Michael himself had decided not to fight it; this was his time to go, and that was okay._

_“Hey Mikey,” Luke whispered, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and brushing a tear away from Michael’s cheek. The fact that he had to do this hurt more than anything he could imagine, but he brushed it off and spoke as well as he could without crying. “I know you can’t talk too well with the tube and it probably hurts so I’ll try to keep this short.”_

_Despite there being other people in the room, the two men felt like the only people in the world. Blue eyes met green and for the first time in months, the pain and heartbreak didn’t matter; they were just two seemingly normal men, having a regular conversation, saying 'see you later’ before one of them left for a while._

_“I’ve been thinking about what you said that night in the hospital room, when we fell asleep together. I called you my paper plane because no matter how many times you get ripped and creased you carried on flying and fuck, I believed that so much, but you’re not a paper plane at all and I wish I’d noticed that sooner.”_

_At first Michael was confused, because Luke had talked with such confidence that night and assured him that being a paper plane was the best thing in the world and he shouldn’t wish to be anything different, so Michael couldn’t understand the sudden change of heart._

_“I know this probably sounds weird, but hear me out, okay? Michael, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. No matter what people throw at you, nothing can change your heart or your soul and that makes me so happy because you’re such a beautiful person inside and out. You were complaining that the world didn’t want to see you fly like everyone else, and I thought that my whole metaphor thing was going so well, but I was wrong.”_

_Everyone else in the room listened in with intrigue, their sullen eyes brightening ever so slightly at the words. Most people had come by to cry and feel sad with the other people losing a friend, but it looked like Luke could raise a few spirits._

_“You’re the biggest, shiniest jet I’ve ever seen. Through all of the turbulence, evacuations and crashes the world has put you through, you stayed in the sky and I couldn’t be prouder. No paper plane could have done that. I thought that you being sick would mean you got rusted and lost some of your power, but that’s not true. Your wings are still intact, you’re still the best damn plane there is, it’s just that someone’s going to take your batteries away.”_

_At this point, Luke already had tears pouring out of his eyes and his words had started to become stuttered and twisted. Michael’s throat burned in pain from his attempt at trying to contain his sobs, but even behind the tubes and needles it was obvious his biggest pain was in his heart._

_“You pulled me out of every hole I fell down and I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. You changed my life.” Luke lifted his free hand to wipe some tears from his own face. “You’re the person that keeps me in the air and without you, I don’t know how I’m supposed to fly. I know you’ll ask me to move on, and I can’t promise you that I’ll fall in love again but I promise I won’t let this break me.”_

_Luke didn’t say anything else for a few minutes. His head was lowered and it was easy to see how hard he was trying to hold himself together. His face was a light shade of red and small hiccups began to erupt from his throat._

_Michael’s state wasn’t much better. He had long given up on trying to stay strong and reality had finally hit him. This would be the last conversation he ever had with Luke. These were probably the last words he would hear before the pain got worse and he finally succumbed to the darkness, the light at the end of the tunnel or whatever was waiting for him at the flip of a switch._

_Everyone watched in curiosity as Luke took a shaking hand to his pocket and pulled out a folded sheet of paper. The ink as crisp and clean, the letters perfectly equal and whatever it was, the writing obviously meant a lot to Luke for him to keep it so perfect._

_“People always ask me if I regret falling in love with Michael, and when I tell them I don’t, I’m usually faced with confused looks and concerned glances.” Luke read, staring down at the paper in concentration. “Everyone seems to think that looking after him is a burden and I would be better off moving on and falling for someone new, someone healthy, but I honestly think everyone who says that is mistaken.”_

_“Growing up, Michael was always my best friend. That’s the thing about us; we didn’t have an instant love-at-first-sight moment when we fell into each other’s arms. I knew him like the back of my hand before I’d even got the guts to kiss him.”_

_As soon as the first few sentences were over, Michael knew what was happening and a lump formed in his throat at the sound of the words he thought he’d never live to hear._

_Luke was reading his wedding vows._

_“Out of everyone I could have fallen in love with, I chose Michael. I chose him when I was fifteen and no matter what our future looks like, I swear on my life I will choose him again and again because to me, love isn’t about being perfect. Love is about fighting and crying and hating each other’s guts sometimes, but still coming home at the end of the day because the way they look at you when it’s 2am and you’re half asleep makes up for everything bad you’ve ever been through.”_

_Luke raised his head to look at Michael who was staring at him with wide eyes, a smile breaking out across his face. Luke grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers and giving him a reassuring grin before clearing his throat and looking back down to read._

_“I’ve always thought that loving Michael was an automatic thing for me, that it was something which happened without realising, but now I know I was wrong about that too. I remember the first few weeks of school when I only had a few friends, and Michael was the person who stuck by me. I remember him showing me his hiding places, teaching me how to get free food from the vending machines, getting us in trouble for talking in class and then going to stand next to the bin, pretending to sharpen his pencil so he could talk to me on the front row.”_

_Everyone smiled at that, wishing they could turn back time and not have to deal with anyone being sick or old or dying. Although everyone felt it was stressful and horrible at the time, high school really was the place where their fondest memories were made, no matter how much homework and revision they had to do._

_“But I also remember decorating our treehouse, dancing around the room and having food fights. I remember laughing so hard that we literally had to force ourselves to breathe. I remember every date, every kiss, every laugh - all of it. And most of all, I remember laying on the grass with you on that first night we spent together, staring up at the stars, and I think that while the moon started to rise and we watched the sun fall, I might have fallen for you too.”_

_Most of the people watching were in tears by now, all clinging onto each other, their bodies shaking as they sobbed their hearts out. Six months ago, everyone thought that they would be hearing this speech in a church, surrounded by balloons and fancy tablecloths instead of heart monitors and hospital gowns._

_“Michael, no matter what happens I’m always going to love you. Those people who say I should regret this obviously don’t understand love, because it’s not loving you that hurts. Rejection, heartbreak, losing you - they all break my heart, but I know you never will. So whether you live for a hundred years or I only get a second to call you mine, every time I lay down on the grass and look up at the sky I’ll think of you and laugh, because the stars will never burn half as bright as you.”_

_Michael let out a desperate cry, not bothering to stay strong any more. He knew there were only a few minutes until his life support was taken away and nobody knew how long his body would fight for survival, but none of that scared him more than losing the person he loved._

_The couple barely noticed the room being emptied, everyone either leaving on their own accord in fits of tears or being ushered out by one of the nurses who didn’t think they could handle seeing the machines turned off. In the end, Luke was the only one who remained by Michael’s side as a sheepish doctor entered the room, his assistant nurse trailing behind. They didn’t speak as they walked around the room, flipping switches and unplugging machines, carting them away until the only thing left was Michael’s ventilator and heart monitor._

_The doctor gave Luke a solemn glance, nodding his head as a way of apologising for what he had to do. With a few clicks and switches, the faint rumbling sound of the ventilator faded away, as did the footsteps of the doctor as he left the room. The door was closed and the only sounds in the room were Luke’s frantic sobs, Michael’s pained sniffles and the light beeping noise that sounded in time with Michael’s heart._

_A few minutes went by, their hands remaining tightly clasped together. Luke had been constantly adorning Michael’s nose and forehead in soft kisses, whispering sweet nothings into his ears as a distraction from the pain. His life was literally slipping away with each passing moment, but neither of the men were ready to let go._

_With a croaky voice and a weak smile, Michael tried to offer his last words of reassurance while he could still catch his breath. “Life can do bad things, I guess.” He whispered with a faint shrug._

_“Terrible things.” Luke corrected._

_Michael nodded slightly, using all of the energy he had left. “Terrible things.” He confirmed, laying his head back onto the thin pillow. The clock was ticking and although it could take hours for his brain activity to stop, he was already exhausted and ready to leave._

_Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours, and only at a little later than 9pm did the soft beeping of the heart monitor slow down enough to be dangerous. The nurses knew that Michael had a DNR and everything had been tried to save him from the osteosarcoma already, so they had to be respectful and let him pass in peace with his fiancée by his side._

_It had been many long hours of pain and tears, but eventually the constant beeps coming from the heart monitor stopped sounding like a car going into reverse and the noise all muddled together into one constant note. Luke knew what this meant, and his scream was almost as ear piercing as the cries coming from Daniel in the waiting room, almost as if he could sense what had happened._

_After a few minutes of him desperately clinging onto the body, a nurse entered the room to cover Michael up and take Luke away somewhere else while the room was emptied. The hospital made it clear that their supplies were needed elsewhere, so Luke decided to just allow himself to be led away, too weak to fight._

_“I’m sorry.” Luke wailed before he was forced to leave the room. His words were accompanied by frequent hiccups and the group of people still waiting near the ward could immediately tell what had finally happened._

_Luke ignored everyone’s pitiful looks and anxious side-glances, focusing his gaze on the handle of the door where the body of the love of his life was concealed. In a matter of hours the life had literally been sucked out of Michael, and Luke found himself whispering comforting words towards the door, only for him to hear, as a personal way of coping with the heartbreak._

_Luke grabbed a fistful of his hair and lowered his face into his knees. Michael was dead. He was gone and there was nothing anyone could do to bring him back. Luke would never hear his laugh again or see the way his eyes lit up as he opened them each morning. Michael was gone._

_Luke let himself fall apart the way his body had longed to for months. His tears were all free, his throat was dry, and his red stained cheeks couldn’t compare to the way his heart would be permanently stained by this day. “I love you, Mikey.” He murmured, closing his eyes, “To the moon and back.”_

*

“I’m so sorry,” Luke sobbed into his palms, shaking from the emotions he had built up over the years of hiding the truth. “I didn’t tell you what happened and I’m so sorry.”

Daniel wiped the tears from his eyes, understanding why this was so hard for his dad to talk about. Hearing their story broke his heart and Daniel couldn’t bear to think of how heartbroken Luke must have been for the past ten years living without the boy he loved.

“I’ve hated myself for years for not keeping him alive, for not saving him.” Luke’s voice cracked, still not wanting to talk about what happened. Even over 10 years later, it was still a touchy subject, and after all this time nobody expected Luke to ever get over Michael’s tragic death.

“On the night that Papa… left,” Daniel began, sniffling a bit and swiping his sleeves under his nose. “Do you think it hurt him?

"I’m sure it wasn’t painless. He had to wait for his body to fight back and then give in, we both cried a lot and it was horrible but he was surrounded by the people he loved and I wouldn’t change a thing about that night,” Luke coughed. “He was already asleep when it happened. His actual passing was so calm, so peaceful, and yet,” he grimaced. “It hurt more than anything I could imagine.”

Daniel finally began to understand why nobody spoke of Michael anymore, and why Luke would tense every time he was brought up in a conversation. Daniel understood that for many years, Luke had blamed himself, hating that there was nothing he could do to protect his family. Luke never got the happily ever after he always wanted, and he hated himself for that.

“I must admit, Papa was pretty good at giving advice,” The older man laughed. “Some of the things he said were ridiculous, but once you got used to his random facts and impossible suggestions, he was actually quite smart.”

Daniel began to wish he at least remembered his papa enough to recall some funny quotes or stories. The first six or seven years of his life were still a blur, and it hurt to know that he only got to hear other people’s opinions and perspectives on Papa instead of being able to form his own. Daniel longed for just one memory of his own that he could think about when he needed help, just to get him through the bad days.

“What was the best advice he ever gave you?” Daniel questioned. He wanted to hear something funny or useful, even if he didn’t hear it from the man himself. Tears had built up in his eyes after hearing what happened, and he hoped for something inspiring to remember his father by.

“You really want to know?”

Daniel nodded his head frantically, knowing that by the glint in his dad’s eyes that he remembered something important to share. Luke gave him a sad smile and crossed his left leg over the right, turning to face Daniel at a better angle.

“Do you remember when I told you about our date in Luna Park? How I had the panic attack in the middle of the theme park?” Luke flinched at the memory, not wanting to recall how he felt, not being able to breathe.

“I thought I had ruined the day- heck, I cried for ten minutes because I thought your papa would hate me. But he didn’t. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up and kissed me on my forehead, and do you know what he said to me?”

Quickly shaking his head, Daniel urged Luke to continue and tell him what he had been waiting for this entire life. He never realised before, but Daniel needed to know about his Papa. He had grown up with a hole in his heart that nobody was able to fill and never being told what happened left Daniel stuck in a rut.

“I remember the exact words he said, they changed my life,” A slight smile made its way onto Luke’s lips, recalling his fondest memory with his late fiancée. “He said, 'Don’t worry about crying, Luke. It’s okay not to be okay’.”

Daniel couldn’t fight the tears that fell down his cheeks like raindrops, the storm is his head finally beginning to clear. Though they were simple, Daniel knew that Michael’s words would stick with him forever and guide him through life; every time his heart was broken, every time he fought with his dad, every time someone made fun of him, he could remember that **_it’s okay not to be okay_**.

“I love you, Dad.” Daniel whispered, nuzzling his head into his father’s shoulder and taking in his scent. His eyes were tightly closed and wet with his own salty tears, but finally they didn’t contain the longing for information on his papa that had been lingering in his mind for years.

Thinking back on the relationship, Luke knew that although the ending broke his heart, their story wasn’t like anyone else’s. Luke fell in love with a boy so amazingly, perfectly weird and even if it meant his son would grow up without a parent, he wouldn’t change that for the world. Against all odds, the boys went from being each other’s first loves to getting engaged and having a child, which was beautiful in every way, even if one of them didn’t get to live to raise him. Michael would always be a part of Luke’s life and his words would never leave his mind, even if Michael couldn’t be there with him physically. Daniel couldn’t remember his papa, but hearing old stories and memories didn’t seem so bad after all.

“I love you too.” Luke whispered back, clinging onto his son. He had told Daniel everything and finally they were ready to move on and would hopefully be closer than before.

Luke knew he wasn’t going to get over Michael any time soon and would never fall in love like that again, but for the first time in ten years, he thought he might finally be one step closer to being okay.


End file.
